I was born a spirited, emotionally expressive little girl with the ability to physically see and hear the unseen world. Specifically subconscious emotional truths others hid from the world and preferred to remain in denial about. 

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The moment I could talk, I was calling my parents out when they were acting against their internal truth, that's when the abuse began. My knowing scared them, I scared them, so in their attempt to regain control I was hit, shamed and gaslit. Love was used as a bargaining chip to control my behavior and actions. 

 

I spent years of my life feeling like I was bad. I felt rejected, alone, unwanted, and in constant shock and survival mode.

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I felt ashamed, humiliated, and every day just wanted to die.

 

To survive, I emotionally shut down and became a high-functioning, intellectual achiever hiding behind a "tough girl" mask. I was constantly waiting for the next shoe to drop, bracing for impact and making sure that no one noticed.

 

It worked for a while but the constant anxiety of having to get it right all the time and the PTSD from my childhood had me locked in a self-punishment cycle that created panic attacks.

 

What I didn't know was that this was an initiation my soul calling me back to the true heart of who I was.

 

So, I consumed everything to find my way out. Schools, training, books, experiences, groups, therapy. You name it, I did it and all these things gave me tools that made sense and that helped a little but nothing that actually set me free.

 

So I figured, if I was going to die a bit each day, let's just make friends with the energy of death.  And this one thought shifted everything.